Stand out or fit in??

I was thinking about this quote today, and wonder is it really accurate or do we really not want to fit in? Just fit in.  I understand the concept of trying to be yourself and wanting to "stand out".  But when you have a child with special needs sometimes, at least for myself, I just want him to be able to carry on in the day like typical peers mainly because I don't want him to stand out so much that he's targeted or made fun of or laughed at just because he's misunderstood by other people. It's a great thing to be able to just be yourself and I totally get that.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't just be yourself. But sometimes, even adults, can look at other adults with differences and poke a little fun between friends about it or just stare at them and I don't want that for my son. So I'm a little torn about this because I see it very often in the Autism community.  And it is a beautiful thing to just be yourself and stand out but not so much that it's at the expense of the individual. I worry about that a lot. Maybe I shouldn't, but I'm his mom so I'm always gonna worry.  And I get telling your child "don't worry just be yourself.  Don't care what anybody else thinks". But if I were standing on the sidelines and watching someone making fun of or staring at my son, I would get angry.  I've seen people when we're out staring at him because he's acting little too quirky than he probably should or he's loud or he's being way silly and doing a lot of stimming and it frustrates me that they stare at him.  But they don't get it.  They don't understand it.   I guess I shouldn't care if they don't understand.  I could say, don't worry about it, we're never going to see those people again. But I'm not just talking about strangers; I'm talking about school and work and relationships. I know it should be socially acceptable, but I don't think society is there yet. I think there's way too many people that judge a lot of the behaviors people, kids and adults, on the spectrum have because they don't understand.

Back To School Night

Since school started I have been in contact with 'Milo's teacher almost daily.  Yes, I am THAT parent.  I always have questions.  Thankfully the teacher is very understanding and very responsive.  She never makes me feel like I'm being a pain in the butt!  
On back to school night I was excited to finally meet her and see the class.  He's in the AutCore program at a public middle school.  The program is new there, so there were concerns.  Will they know what he needs and will they be patient and understanding?  Will they understand how he learns?  But my son was fearless going into this and he is loving school.  
His teacher is very sweet and was very excited to show the parents what the kids are doing and how they are doing.  She had a powerpoint presentation which she said she uses for teaching.  She said the kids love the graphics and moving gifs saying it keeps them engaged.  She told us that she herself has a daughter who is on the spectrum who is now an adult.  That's when I realized, she really does understand.  I couldn't believe it.  I felt so luck to have a fellow Autism parent teaching our kids.  Someone who has been in the ranks just like us.  She explained that she is very protective of our kids and looks after them, not just in class.  She told us for the two periods our kids are in other classes, she teaches 8th grade math and has introduced these kids to our kids and has them looking out for them during nutrition and lunch.  WOW, I was BLOWN away.  She mentioned how our kids were having trouble at PE with the lockers and getting ready quickly and out to class on time that she requested two aids to assist during PE for them.  I was thoroughly impressed.  How could we have possibly gotten so lucky.  I felt compelled to write the Principal and V. Principal a letter

Dr. C and Ms. B

I attended the back to school night last night and would like to give you my honest feed back on my child’s teach, Ms M.  Can I just tell you, I feel like I have struck gold!  You really have yourself the best fit for the AutCore program in my opinion.  Her openness to the parents was such a relief as I and other parents that I talked to last night, have been SO stressed about our Autistic kids starting 6^th grade.  As if a new school isn’t hard enough, they’ve had to remember 2 locker numbers and the combinations, Meal PIN numbers, changing classes, bigger campus…. It was so overwhelming the thought of, “will my child be safe?”.  I truly believe that he is.  She really gets our kids and many of the parents I talked to last night echoed the same.  She understands what they need to be motivated to learn.  If I didn’t already feel that P H was a good fit for my son, Ms M would have convinced me last night.  I was already happy with the school choice we made, and Ms M is the icing on the cake!

It's was such a relief to know that the teacher has our kids best interest in mind.  I don't think things could have gone better.

Light bulbs and meatballs

I work in the lighting industry.  My department provides lighting and lighting maintenance to our customers.  As customers go, some are very easy to deal with while others can be challenging.  At times I think to myself "geez, it's just light bulbs people...no need to get snippy!"  But then I have to take a step back and say to myself, it's their job to make their store/office/restaurant look good and they are relying on me, so suck it up!  After all, it's my job to provide this service. 

On one such day I was dealing with a very particular customer.  This customer is not the type of person that throws around the warm fuzzies, but I sucked it up and did what I needed to do.  It never seems to be enough for this one customer.  I've had what I would considers some significant struggles in my life; I've had cancer and had to go through Chemo, I've been through a divorce, I deal daily with a child with Autism, so it can get hard for me to suck it up at times when someone gets this bent out of shape over lighting.  But again I try to refocus my thoughts and see things from this customer's prospective and SUCK IT UP!  Do my job. 

It was on that same morning that my son was looking over the menu for school... "Spaghetti and meatballs!  I'll eat at school." he exclaimed.  Thanks goodness!  One less of a hundred other things I have to do that morning.... I don't have to pack him a lunch.  Easy enough.  On this same morning I was borrowing my mom's car because my car had broken down the day before (like I need that in my life).  Because of this, she would have no way to pick him up after school, so I was going to pick him up and take him home on my lunch hour.  As we drove home and talked about his day, I asked him if he ate his lunch and he said sadly, "no, a girl took it".  
Jumping to conclusions, I said, "WHAT?! What do you mean?  She took it from you?"  
"No" he said.... 
"oh so she was in line in front of you?"  
"yeah"  
"OH, so she took the last one?" 
"yeah".  
"Well, did you eat anything?"
"yeah, I had the bean burrito.  I ate half of it"
"Well next time, ask the lunch lady.  Maybe they were going to bring out more and you just didn't wait.  Next time, just ask someone" 
"ok" he said, but I could tell it still bummed him out and he wasn't listening to the solution I was offering if it happened again.  So I dropped him off and told my mom to give him a snack before the therapist got there figuring he would be hungry from not being satisfied with his lunch and made my way back to work.  Knowing little things could set him off, but never really knowing when or how big of an impact it will have on his mood, I called my mom after I knew the therapist would have arrived.  I asked her how he was doing, she said "he's telling her about the meatballs".... "OH BOY! it's going to be one of THOSE sessions" I said.  Whenever this happens I worry, but I'm at work and I have to work because people need light bulbs.  But my son, what if he has a melt down and I'm not there.  I want to help him and I need to work, but I can't just run out over meatballs!  Still I wait.  I wait and work and help customers, all along thinking and worrying about my kiddo. I take a moment to text "is he OK?"..... reply.... come on, reply..... "yes, she talked to him about it and now they're reading"  WHEW!  OK  I fell better now.  Back to light bulbs.
I get home and they are working on homework.  He seems fine and had a good session.  After the therapist left we had dinner and did all our nightly rituals; reading, showers, TV, snack, and brushing teeth before going to bed.  Oh but wait for it.... he's sitting at the table having his snack when he says, "I'm so angry".  "Why?" I asked, and he says "that girl!".  Oh for crying out loud!  But just like that customer with the light bulbs, when the expectation wasn't met, #fail!  I mean, come on, it's just meatballs!  But once again, I had to suck it up...suck it up because he is this bent out of shape over meatballs.  And again I try to refocus my thoughts and see things from his prospective and SUCK IT UP!  Do my job.  I talked him off the ledge again, over meatballs.  Because logic just doesn't cut it for him sometimes.  And trying to explain to him that its not a big deal and to "get over it" doesn't really help.  To him it was a big deal.  His routine didn't go as planned, and we are working on flexibility, but it doesn't come easy for him. 

So for now, I'll continued to help him work through the little unexpected things that can throw off his routine...and of course, I packed him meatballs the next day for lunch :)

Dance baby!

So once a month 'Milo's school has a dance during lunch...the first one was last Friday. The kids pay $2 to get in and they have a live DJ that spins. When he heard about it he was excited and said he wanted to go. Mind you, his classroom is only about 10 students or so that are in the AutCore program. Only 1 girl, statistically pretty right on mark. The kids in his class all eat lunch together but at the same time as all the mainstream kids. They don't interact too much with other kids just yet as it's still early in the school year; the AutCore kids all kinda just stick together. But still, 'Milo wanted to go to this dance, so I gave him $2 today when I dropped him off at school. Anxious to see how it went, I called my mom right after school was over. She said he was telling little brother that he went to this dance at school and it was so cool and so fun. This made the little one so excited to go to Middle school, which is still 2 years away for him. She passed the phone to 'Milo:
Me: "Hi son. Did you go to the dance today?"
'Milo: "yes"
Me: "did you have fun?"
'M: "yeah, they played Sugar and Harlem Shake"
Me: "did your friends go?"
'M: "no"
Me: "Oh...did you dance?"
'M: "yeah"
Me: "with a girl??"
'M: "no"
Me: "by yourself?"
'M: "yeah"
Me: "Good for you! I'm so proud of you! Are you going to go to the dance again next month?"
'M: "yeah!"
I admire him so much. Just went out there and did his thing and not embarrassed to do so...especially at an age when most kids can be self-conscious and not want to stand out, or on the flip side want to be cool by putting others down. Who knows if anyone was staring or laughing; the point is he wanted to dance and he did, even if he did so alone. It's more than I can say for most people I know including me!
‪#‎JustDanceBaby‬ ‪#‎BestTwoDollarsSpent‬

And then there was Middle School

So the time had finally come.  It was orientation day for Middle School.  It was a full day of getting class schedules, locker information, text books, ID pictures, spirit shirts.  'Milo was happily going around checking out the new surroundings.He practiced his locker and got to visit some of the classes.

 
 So on the first day of school I asked 'Milo if he wanted me to walk him into the school on the first day, he said no.... I said, do you want me to take you to the gate where the aids pick up the kids from the bus or do you want to go through the front of the school to your class, he says "I'll go through the front, don't worry, I'll be fine." <sigh>, he's such a big boy 
 

During summer we had an ABA session that went well for the first couple of hours, but then he was clearly agitated. He started hitting scratching the therapist and scratching himself. She thought maybe he was mad because the lego Jurassic truck was broken up, and she told him they can put it back together, but he was not having it. She finally got him settled, but I could tell when I got home that day he was still in a mood. So I told him to go lay on by bed and I would put a cold towel on him so he could calm down. Once he was calm I said, "OK you need to come and pick up the stuff off your floor in the room and put them away", he had knocked off all his dinos from his shelves and that's when I saw it.... the Jurassic legos got put in the bin during clean up time and 'Milo didn't handle it well. He saw the bin and said, "I just want to smash the box" I said why (of course knowing why, but I wanted him to use his words to tell me), he said "because those don't go in there. They should to go there", pointing to his book shelf. I said, "OK so this is when we need to be flexible. It's OK they are in the bin. But if you don't want them there, you don't need to smash anything, you just need to say what's bothering you. This way people know what you want. They don't know when you are throwing things or hitting them. That's not how you should communicate, you need to use words. Finish putting the dinos up on your shelf and they you can put these legos where you want them." Once he finished cleaning up, he put his Jurassic legos where they "belong". Then he was happy. Completely happy.
I'm sure it was completely unintentional by the therapist, otherwise she would have known why he was upset. I'm sure she didn't know they didn't "belong" in the bin and was just putting the legos back where all the other legos go.  
‪#‎autism‬ ‪#‎flexibility‬ ‪#‎ABA‬ ‪#‎CARD‬ Center for Autism and Related Disorders

All summer long I've been leaving the boys school work to do during the day. With 'Milo not in summer school this year, I wanted to be sure to maintain some structure as well as keep his mind fresh and start introducing some subjects that he might see in the first year of Middle School. He's actually very enthusiastic about it and is always looking forward to the work I leave for him. He's doing well with most of his math, but has struggled with addition and subtraction; despite the fact he has his multiplication and division down. He's easily frustrated when he gets them wrong, but he tries his best. 
One day, I get this text from my mom: "I must admit, D is very patient helping 'Milo with his math. It's so cute to watch. He told him 'when you're taking your test, pretend it's me testing you and that will keep you calm'. I wanna cry. 'Milo got them all right!"
I told my little one that I was so proud of him. I told him, I know your are the little brother but sometimes you take on the role of a big brother and I thanked him for being such a patient and loving brother. His little eyes filled up with tears and I said, why are you crying? He said, "they are tears of joy"
So that day after dinner, I took him out for a special treat, just the two of us. I know its rough on him sometimes. It's not uncommon for siblings of kids with special needs to feel overlooked. So when my son shows this much compassion for his brother, completely on his own, I have to acknowledge to him how proud I am of him. And and little ice cream doesn't hurt
‪#‎autismbrother‬